I met Parvathy, who is all set to marry Karthik, my nephew. She is a sweet girl - homely, yet a girl of grits and determination who has fought odds in life to achieve what she has. Between her and Karthik I think they will achieve a fair bit by God's Grace.
This will be the first wedding in the next generation. Hence its significance. Long awaited and the result of much sweat, toil and frustration as poor Karthik suffered the consequences of an ante diluvian approach to matrimony on the part of my family and the decadent attitude of Tam Bram girls and their demented parents towards arranged matrimony.
I came to conclude that the Tam Bram community is going through what I call its Yadava moment from the Bhagavata puranam.
Early in the morning I agreed to be Chairperson of the Committee to Review Work Norms. This will by far be the most important responsibility that I have shouldered so far. It is a sensitive assignment because the output of what we come up with may impact nearly every colleague directly.
It would be inappropriate for me to speak of the assignment beyond that at this stage. Suffice it to say that it is an important development in my life. I prayed to the Lord before I accepted it that I may not be punching beyond my weight.
I also got chastised by my sister for how I had robbed Lakshmi of the verve, ebullience and joi de vivre that she had in abundance when we got married. I cannot deny that. She did like the good things in life, in moderation and within the lifts of thrift for the first few years of our marriage in spite of my miserable attitude.
In these past years though she seems to have lost interest in most of it. I have to take the rap for most of it. Some of it is directly due to the disease that has afflicted me all these years. Some of it indirectly because of the innumerable demands that various members of the family have made on her, denying her the time and space to engage in things that are dear to her.
Am I responsible for that too? I guess I am. That is a guilt that will stay with me forever. And then I am guilty of many other wrongdoings too, some of which are unspeakable shall have to remain just with me.
Finally it also occurred to me that my second investment is not working out either. I have known about the impossibility of it from the beginning. My experience with the first failed investment played out in my mind even as I started committing myself to the second.
There was the rational side of me that kept warning me that this was not going to work out either. There just was not enough reciprocation from the other side to make it work. The paternal or avuncular role that I wished to play just did not figure in the kid's calculus.
Yet I kept hoping against hope that it would.
Yesterday, through the day, as I thought about it I realised, as I had been realising slowly in all these past weeks that this one was not going to work out as I hoped and desired.
It was painful to acknowledge. I cannot blame the kid. The fault lay in my nurturing unrealistic desires, however genuine my motives.
I know, as in the past, I will keep giving in to my urge to try and make it work for some more time, even as I know that none of it will work.
It seems to be some sort of a curse that I will have to deal with. It appears that I have been ordained to suffer this pain. It seems to be my lot in life. And I say that without any sense of self-pity.
I do not know how long I will have to suffer this pain. I do not even know if I will ever get over it.
This time around I cannot even share it with anyone. I think I have exhausted the share of goodwill, sympathy and understanding that I may have enjoyed with all of those good friends of mine, lamenting about my earlier failed investment. The only person I can share it with is Lakshmi.
Nanni....Namaskaaram.
This will be the first wedding in the next generation. Hence its significance. Long awaited and the result of much sweat, toil and frustration as poor Karthik suffered the consequences of an ante diluvian approach to matrimony on the part of my family and the decadent attitude of Tam Bram girls and their demented parents towards arranged matrimony.
I came to conclude that the Tam Bram community is going through what I call its Yadava moment from the Bhagavata puranam.
Early in the morning I agreed to be Chairperson of the Committee to Review Work Norms. This will by far be the most important responsibility that I have shouldered so far. It is a sensitive assignment because the output of what we come up with may impact nearly every colleague directly.
It would be inappropriate for me to speak of the assignment beyond that at this stage. Suffice it to say that it is an important development in my life. I prayed to the Lord before I accepted it that I may not be punching beyond my weight.
I also got chastised by my sister for how I had robbed Lakshmi of the verve, ebullience and joi de vivre that she had in abundance when we got married. I cannot deny that. She did like the good things in life, in moderation and within the lifts of thrift for the first few years of our marriage in spite of my miserable attitude.
In these past years though she seems to have lost interest in most of it. I have to take the rap for most of it. Some of it is directly due to the disease that has afflicted me all these years. Some of it indirectly because of the innumerable demands that various members of the family have made on her, denying her the time and space to engage in things that are dear to her.
Am I responsible for that too? I guess I am. That is a guilt that will stay with me forever. And then I am guilty of many other wrongdoings too, some of which are unspeakable shall have to remain just with me.
Finally it also occurred to me that my second investment is not working out either. I have known about the impossibility of it from the beginning. My experience with the first failed investment played out in my mind even as I started committing myself to the second.
There was the rational side of me that kept warning me that this was not going to work out either. There just was not enough reciprocation from the other side to make it work. The paternal or avuncular role that I wished to play just did not figure in the kid's calculus.
Yet I kept hoping against hope that it would.
Yesterday, through the day, as I thought about it I realised, as I had been realising slowly in all these past weeks that this one was not going to work out as I hoped and desired.
It was painful to acknowledge. I cannot blame the kid. The fault lay in my nurturing unrealistic desires, however genuine my motives.
I know, as in the past, I will keep giving in to my urge to try and make it work for some more time, even as I know that none of it will work.
It seems to be some sort of a curse that I will have to deal with. It appears that I have been ordained to suffer this pain. It seems to be my lot in life. And I say that without any sense of self-pity.
I do not know how long I will have to suffer this pain. I do not even know if I will ever get over it.
This time around I cannot even share it with anyone. I think I have exhausted the share of goodwill, sympathy and understanding that I may have enjoyed with all of those good friends of mine, lamenting about my earlier failed investment. The only person I can share it with is Lakshmi.
Nanni....Namaskaaram.
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