End Paper

I title this post End Paper because of what it is supposed to denote.  By the time one writes the inner jacket of a book, its contents are in place more or less. In the same spirit, I hope not to write any more about this topic.  This is where I retreat into my truly private world of feelings, of suffering.  

If I did write, I hope not to publish it.  In the rare event that I published it I would definitely hope that I would not broadcast it, as indeed I did not publish the last two posts.

So here are my concluding thoughts on this matter.

By all accounts I have been indulging in something irrational.  No one among the people to whom I have spoken about my affection for this individual that I look upon as a child has felt that my affinity is understandable, let alone reasonable.  Reactions have ranged from dismissiveness to puzzlement to dissuasion to admonition. 

Even those who expressed sympathy at my sadness seem to believe that it is all self-inflicted.  I have been advised that I should think about the irrationality of my affection, that I should acknowledge the impossibility of the proposition.  I have been asked to realise the impracticality of the relationship.

I cannot agree more with all of that.  The rub though is in the presumption that feelings of affection can be dismissed out of hand through a rational set of arguments.  Equally, there seems to be a suggestion that all such relationships should be based on a principle of mutuality.

The difficulty with these arguments is as follows. By definition, feelings of affection and love are necessarily emotional and may not always be explained or justified in rational terms.  Even where we think we like an individual for some identifiable qualities in him or her, such likes and dislikes are based on some predispositions that may not be rooted in rationality. These are “affairs of the heart” over which the head is often helpless. 

That said, I agree that each of us has varying degrees of ability to let the head prevail over the heart.  For example, I once asked a young physician relative of mine who has chosen to settle far away from his aged parents whom he loves a lot.  He responded that he let his intellect impress upon his heart that he had a higher calling to attend to which required that he make that sacrifice.

What if an individual is incapable of such refined reasoning?  My sense is that there is nothing wrong in allowing the heart to indulge in these emotional excursions.  Such affinities have their own beauty.  Their own joyful purpose. What would the idea of a family and friendship be if it were not for such emotions?  Some of the greatest pieces of art and literature have been born out of utterly irrational pain that found expression through those creations.

It is however important to ensure that one’s affinity and joy are not the cause of misery, or worse, destruction, to oneself or to the party of the other part to the relationship.

That is where I am I think in my present situation.  I am simply unable to rationally overcome my affection to this individual even though I might agree that it makes no rational sense.  That said, I have no right to be a source of unhappiness to anyone, be it to those in my immediate family or to the party to the other part, namely the person I look upon as my “child.”

As long as I respect these boundaries I think I would not be doing anything wrong in showering my affection.

What is obvious to me though is that from now on I shall have to confine these thoughts to the recesses of my own heart.  It is a feeling that I know cannot overcome just as much as I cannot make anyone around me accept the way it is – except perhaps my wife Lakshmi who seems to be now convinced that this suffering of mine is real, however irrational it might be.

I have spoken about it enough.  I must now learn to suffer - silently.