Under a Dark Winter Sky...

Motionless, I lay

On the green lawn of the football stadium

The tentative cold of a truant Bangalore winter

Seeped through my aging, weary bones.

Tears streamed

Endlessly from my eyes

Bloodshot with suffering

That don’t ever seem to end.

An occasional star and a moth eaten moon

Seemed to look at me pitifully

Almost helplessly.

I recalled standing at the corner of the open ground

Your name was called.

You ran up the steps.

Your wan, signature smile said it all:

Tense.  Anxious about the future?

A million thoughts in your mind?

A million questions?

Degree handed over.  Hands shaken.

I stood transfixed

Like a proud father.

The culmination of many years of aspiration.

The end of months of your tireless efforts.

I gazed impassively.

Like a broken father who knew 
Those would be the last few moments

I would see you.

Why did you come 
So late into my life

My dear child?

When there is barely room in your home

For those already cast in your own life

And those that would follow

As your family grows?

Was it the Hand of Karma?

As the soothsayer

Who most unhelpfully said

That we had been Father and Daughter

In a previous birth?

How terrible a parent must I have been

To suffer thus in this birth?

The pain of being so fond of you

To think of you nearly all the time

Much as I love

My playful and guileless boys

Yet know that I never will see you again?

To pray for you everyday

Just as I do for my wife and sons

Yet not know how you are?

The unkind Hand of Destiny

Cannot probably serve up

A greater punishment.

How cruel a parent

Must I have been?

A truly horrible father.

A despicable soul

To suffer this everlasting pain

That I know will

Be there with me

Till my very last breath.

How terrible must I have been

To suffer
An agony that is as real

As the wonderful child you are!

Yet have the world think

That this suffering

Is nothing but a malady of my mind?

A mere fantasy.

If there be another birth

For you and me, My Lord

If only I may be forgiven 
Just once 

For my sins of the past 

Please give me back this child of mine.

That my sins may be expiated 
By the love of a caring parent

That I may savour the bliss
Of being this child's father

But once more.