Soliloquy - I

I was persuaded to write this piece as I tried to put at a young friend that I met after a while. 

My corporate career was far from easy.  I was beset with many issues.  But at the core were two problems I think.  One, I had assumed, wrongly of course, that I was more intelligent than I actually was.  As a corollary I expected to achieve far more than I reasonably could have expected to for the amount of effort I was willing to put in, which sadly was not much, given how lazy I was and still am.  In short my ambitions and expectations on the one hand were out of alignment with my ability and application on the other.

Soon, it predictably led to disillusionment on the career path and maladjustment at the workplace.  I slowly began to lose my ability to engage socially with most colleagues, except to the extent that business demanded.  Eventually it made me look for a job that would not require any social connectedness.  And I landed up in academia, primarily for that reason!

The feeble sparks of success that one might notice in my CV (partner equivalent in a private equity fund at the age of 38 and all that) were all in spite of these besetting problems and largely due to what some might call luck and I now call God’s Grace.  In fact when I look back at my life I can safely say that my entire professional life has been a series of accidents and the outcome of choices made for all the wrong reasons.

Over time as I got knocked around in my professional and personal life I turned to religion for succour.  I must hasten to add that I am not promoting denomination based religion in saying this.  I would have loved to call it spiritualism.  But then I feel that might make me appear to be more sublime than I am.

For the past many years now I have been casting about, as I continue to even today, to find an alternate meaning and purpose for life.  Notwithstanding the fact that I did not deserve it I realized that the pursuit of worldly success, especially in the world of business, would not leave me feeling happy.  Gradually as I found my feet in academe I realized that even modern academe can potentially set one up for unrealistic expectations and eventual heart-break.

I have now found succour in a few core principles that I keep reminding myself of when I feel elated or depressed, both emotions assailing me more often than I like.  These are very simple principles:  That all of what we see is evanescent, the real joy in the material world is in the pleasure of doing something well and if possible making someone else happy in the process and that no matter how good or smart we are, none of us is really in charge of our destinies, yet we have to conduct our lives as if we are fully in control.  (The last one is something I learned from Ramesh Balsekar, a disciple of Nisargadatta Maharaj.) 

Along the way in this alternate world I sought / seek out Sadhus and Swamis.  I listen to their teachings.  Some of them are not universally revered or accepted as divine souls.  I take the good bits of what they do or say.  Gratitude demands that I acknowledge that I have also benefited on occasion from their ability to perform what appear to be miracles. 

But I do not try to persuade anyone to follow them.  The third principle above makes me believe that I entered the presence of these holy men and women because it was pre-ordained.  Someone told me about this dialogue in Kung Fu Panda, that there is nothing like an accident.   I believe in that.  It is none of my business to take anyone into the folds of these holy people.  Those who are destined to go there will do so in the most unexpected ways, in what appear to be accidents, as it happened with me.

I thus live in different worlds today.  I live in this hyper-competitive world of academics in business management as a faculty at IIMB.  I engage with hyper-competitive young men and women.  I have colleagues who are all far superior to me intellectually and who are all constantly calibrating each other in terms of their intellect.  A part of me inhabits this world that respects smartness and success.  The other part inhabits a world where people talk about larger purposes in life, about loving and serving people, about the sheer silliness of everything that is at the core of the other world.

God has been kind to me to make me realise that the latter world can lead to more enduring satisfaction, joy, peace or whatever else one is thirsting for.  The challenge is in building a bridge between the two so that one may inhabit the former without becoming its prisoner. 

Right now those are two incompatible worlds to me.  My way of relating to them is like the little boy who has been told by his mother:  Son, you may go out and play with those other boys.  But remember don’t imbibe the bad things they teach you.  Just finish your game and be your good self once you come back home.  In my moments of elation, anger, depression, envy I remind myself that I inhabit that other world for a specific purpose, like the little that goes out to play.

That said, I understand that is not true spiritualism.  And that is why I hesitated to use that term in the beginning. True spiritualism I am given to understand is the ability to see the inner beauty in every one, without being judgmental.  Very few people in this mundane world can do that.  My friend and colleague Srinivas Prakhya is one rare specimen of that.  His heart beats more fervently for those that others might disapprove of, if not despise.  Yet he pursues excellence at work, strongly believing that Yogah karmasu Kaushalam.

I am far from being there.  But the dual existence helps me make sense of a life that has otherwise been a torment.

I narrate parts of these to my nephews and nieces when they experience self-doubt, to make them realise that if I pulled through they should be able to come out in flying colours in life.  Over the years Lakshmi and I now have this small army of nephews and nieces, some of whom are not even biologically related to us.  We play agony aunt to them once in a while.  I remind them that they do not have the intellectual or attitudinal limitations that I was plagued by. 

Some of the nephews and nieces are sensitive souls.  I say to them that they are blessed in a way, because being sensitive eventually helps you experience true and enduring happiness that comes from making others happy.

All that I wish to share through this soliloquy is my own effort at dealing with the serious dissonance I experienced in life, which occasionally led me to extreme ennui and on some rare occasions to contemplate even risky behaviour.

Nanni….Namaskaaram…